Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin (born August 3rd, 1923) is the last, and greatest, of the prophets of God. Often called the Seal of the Prophets, he is the last messenger of God to descend to Earth before The Rapture. Widely considered to be the most important and holy man alive today, he has been a frequent subject of worship by millions of the faithful since his arrival in our world. He was critical to the establishment of the modern Republic of Congo and played a key role in defusing the tensions during the Salmon Incident.

Background

Before His arrival on our pitiful world, shit was wiggedy-wack, yo. People were for real all up in this motherfucker acting hella cray fr. In fact, I myself saw some heathen greet a fellow Torontonian with a phrase other than Ayy wassup fam its lit today forreal my mandems ahlie!. Truly, it was a dark age. But, as my youth pastor always used to say, he was dead when I found him through God, all things are possible. God gazed down upon his creation, and saw that shit was looking downright unpleasant. And so, he sent down his second-begotten Son to guide Men (and Lion's Mane Jellyfish) back to His light.

Arrival

In a spectacular beam of light, Prophet Culkin arrived in downtown Los Angeles, landing in a pile of vomit produced by a homeless man. He quickly razed the city to the ground, before proceeding east. As He walked across America, a great crowd of the faithful began to follow behind him, seeing a True Shepard of the Lord had finally arrived in their midst. After stopping to run a few errands on the way, he finally arrived at the set of Home Alone which would allow him to announce his presence across the world.

Career as a Prophet

Culkin was highly successful at delivering the message of God to the unwashed masses. On one occasion, he was able to turn two fish into merely one, miraculously. On another, by merely laying laying a finger besides his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. He was widely renowned for his breakdancing skills, and ability to fire off over three Kamehamehas per day. He has also been credited with having invented the Fortnite Battlepass, the royalties of which he used to fund his Heroin Problem for many years.